well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
