You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
