the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
