The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
