my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
