no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
