Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
