I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Randomize
