i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
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