Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
