Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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