That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
