***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Randomize
