I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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