I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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