I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
