Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
This toilet bowl is my home.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
