I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
i may or may not be watching the land before time
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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