The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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