I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
