life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
our cab driver is having phone sex.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
