new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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