Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
