Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
