haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
