sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
