My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize