I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
