So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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