took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Randomize
