You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
