Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
