I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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