pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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