I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
pop tarts are not kleenex
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
