...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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