ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
