I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Randomize
