Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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