make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
