I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
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I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
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I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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