Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
