you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
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