my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
