none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
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There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
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Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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