you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
