Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
