I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
