she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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