I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
someone owes me an orgasm
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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