On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
