You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
