You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
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