I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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