yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Randomize
