I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
