if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
