his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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