considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
