guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
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its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
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Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
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