I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
