I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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