I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
